It’s My Party & I’ll Cry If I Want To

It has been awhile since I blogged and I swear it has been a good reason. I have been busy, you know the kind of busy….super duper busy. I’m taking full time classes with my full time career because I am crazy. Maybe because I love education or maybe because I want to get my mind off of infertility…or maybe both. Anyhow…a couple weeks later.

So I turned 32 a couple weeks ago and I had a big pout party about it. I haven’t been this down on a birthday since I turned a quarter century. It’s not so much that I think I’m old, but that I think this year went by too damn quick. This year- this 31st year of my life was just too much. I had a bipolar year that was filled with some great ups and way too many downs. I wanted a chance to make it better, but alas it is over. And I think, that is what makes me sad. No mad. No way pissed off. I am mad at this year God gave me. He blessed me beyond belief and then…. punished me. And I know for all you fellow Christians, you believe that God does not punish. BUT, it sure does feel like it.
So let’s review 31. Engaged and then married in beautiful Hawaii. On cloud 9. Who cares if we haven’t got a baby…cause I got you. Well then…surgery came. And hey- you know the rest.

As you guessed, I was a little peeved about turning 32, cause I wanted a chance to show 31 that I can get pregnant. So I decided that since I was such an ungrateful grump, I would boycott a celebration. I was planning on doing something small already, but I decided to cancel this. I decided to just do a dinner with my hubs. I hoped that canceling would not offend my mom, as she probably celebrates the day that she pushed me out with gusto after a long and back-breaking labor. But alas, she understood, cause she not only is my mom, but my dearest friend.

So I celebrated, “me” style. I had worked the night before and welcomed my fellow birthday buddies to the world. I slept and then I treated myself to a manicure and pedicure at the most shee shee place in town. This was followed by some shopping and then dinner with hubs. Yummy italian food was the cure to my blues and it ended with snuggling with my little family while watching “Duck Dynasty”. Side note, if you have not watched this show- do yourself the favor. So funny and good.

For your viewing pleasure….a photo journey.

Have always wanted a first edition of Gray’s Anatomy. Hubs settled for a new version and said it was from the dogs!! Yah.. I am a dog lady!

My pedicure included a soak with flowers. Oh so amazing!

And the finished product!

Vino, manicotti, fire pit….oh yah!

Full moon on 32nd.

My birthday outfit. Got use out of my favorite belt with a new dress.

The Ramblings of Me

I know it has been some time since I posted… but frankly I don’t know what to say or I have to much to say. I spent that first weekend really avoiding thinking about it at all. I kept myself busy, refusing to acknowledge what had happened. It really was a whole week before I let myself feel the pain. I have to admit that this was very hard. Much harder than I anticipated. In the back of my silly little head- I believed that this would work. Once I saw our beautiful little embryos’ pictures; I saw that we conceived a child and I believed.

So after some time we had our own little WTF meeting. We talked about what we would do next. We have 3 embryos remaining. These are not great quality. I believe that there is a chance that 1 or all may not survive the next thaw. So… we have one more chance. One. One more time to try to have our own child. After that, do not pass go, do not collect $200…go straight to jail. We can not afford another fresh cycle of IVF. Frankly, we can not afford adoption. We have looked into it and it is in the range of 30,000-45,000. So there you have it. One more chance. I think that is the hardest thing for me to accept. I can’t even begin to imagine a life without a child. No first steps, no band aids on a skinned knee, no crayon drawings on the wall, no fun halloween costumes, no letters to santa, no camping trips with legendary scary stories, no first day of kindergarten, no “I love you Mommy”. I can’t imagine this. BUT, I think I may need to start imagining this.  I need to realize all the possibilities. Hope is a wonderful thing, but too much hope can be devastating when it all comes tumbling down.

So now what? Yup…that is what everyone asks. Honestly…I wish I knew. What we do know for sure is that we are taking a break. Not a long one, but a short one. I need this time to get back to myself and off the hormones. My bum needs a break from the nasty PIO injections. I need to lose the pounds gained since this whole sha-bang started. I need to de-stress. Other than that.. I don’t know what is next. What I do know is that I am so incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful man by my side.

Maybe June or July.

…Really Bad

Negative. Yah I knew it deep down. Felt sorry for myself for 30 mins. I pulled myself together. Showered. Got dressed. Put on my pearls and Ray bans and heading out to have some fun in Lake Tahoe. I know this will hit me later. Until then…wine

This Day Could Be Really Good…

…or it could be really bad. So today is the day of my blood pregnancy test. In just 2 hours, I will be at the clinic getting my blood drawn to find out if I am finally pregnant. I’m really nervous, and quite pessimistic about the whole thing. I took a home pregnancy test on Tuesday morning and it was NEGATIVE. As you could imagine- I was pretty upset. I really was hoping to see my first positive pregnancy test. For all my fellow infertile sisters, I was 7dp5dt. I know a lot of women get a positive this early, but then again, some do not. I was finally ready to fall on the good side of statistics. I was ready to be that lucky girl. But…I was not. So now, it is hard for me to keep a smile on my face because I know that there is a good chance that I will get bad news.

I’m so sorry. It’s negative.

Hoping I don’t totally lose it. Atleast I will have a glass or 3 of wine to cure my broken heart.

Anyone out there? If so, please cross your fingers, say a prayer, or send good thoughts, or all of the above.

Quoted

In an effort to find a place to vent and find support, I belong to a wonderful forum of women…just like me. Some with more experience in the whole infertility arena, some with less and just starting out. It is a secret sisterhood. It never ceases to amaze me how these women I have never met have such a big impact on my life. This morning one of these women posted a quote.

My eyes starting tearing up immediately. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thought I would share.

I’m still clinging to a hope that one day we’ll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met? -From the movie Facing the Giants

PUPO

Well I am officially PUPO! For those unfamiliar, Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. I had my FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) on March 5th. So I have been anxiously awaiting this day. I had finally stopped my Luperon injections, but had just started my PIO (Progesterone In Oil) injections. These are given in the upper area of the buttocks and they can hurt like hell. We switch sides every night, but it still leaves me quite sore. I hate it, and B hates giving it to me. I’m also using estrogen patches. I wear 2 at a time and change every other day. It is necessary for me to use both the PIO and Estrogen throughout the first trimester. So I was just about fed up and ready to move on with getting knocked up. The Estrogen was also making me super emotional and crying at the drop of a hat. I even cried when the last guy with no self confidence got kicked off Project Runway. Ridiculous! Luckily my FET was a couple day away at this point.

The morning of my FET, I had acupuncture. I am so glad I did this because it really relaxed me and I was beginning to get a bit worked up. Here is my bloated self:

Afterwards, I came home and met my mom and MIL. B couldn’t get the time off (especially after all the time he took off with my OHSS). We went off to the appointment. I drank my bottle of water and was ready to meet my embies. First, my Embryologist came back and discussed how the little ones did with the thaw. Yup, my frozen babes had to be thawed out before putting inside me. She told me one didn’t survive the thaw and they had to thaw a third. That one did well and was ready for me. So we had 2 waiting in a petry dish for me to jump into the stirrups. She then went on to say that she recommended “Assisted Hatching“. (Click there for details). I found out that my zona layer was hardened or thickened during freezing. This will help my little ones implant. I went ahead and gave the okay. My embryologist went back to perform the procedure & I signed more paperwork. I was warned of twins, trips and quads. Also the increased incidence of identical twins with assisted hatching. It was finally time.

I climbed up into the stirrups and after an outer catheter was placed- I was ready to go. I let mom and MIL watch the procedure. The RN picked up the phone and said our last name and then “2 embryos please”. She sounded like she had just pulled up to a drive through and matter of fact-ly asked for my children. I joked with Dr. Z that if only it had been that easy. The embryologist appeared at the door, double checked the name, and handed the catheter with my itty bitty ones inside. They placed air bubbles between each embryo, so that they could see on ultrasound that they went in. It was so fast. Just little blips of white on the screen and it was over. The embryologist took the catheter back and double checked under a microscope that they had successfully left the catheter and into my uterus. Once we were clear- I was done.

Now, here I am 2 days post transfer. I have been on doctor ordered bed rest. Nothing to raise my heart rate, blood pressure or temperature. And no stress. So I have obliged. I’ve been watching movies, sleeping in late and lazing around. I have had some minor cramping and pressure day of transfer and 1 day after. Today has decreased, and has been more on and off. Hoping that they have snuggled in for the long haul. All I can do is hope and pray, pray, pray.
Here are my beautiful twinsies!

Liebster!

The Liebster award is given to an up and coming blogger who has less than 200 followers.

 

 

-RULES-

 

1. Post 11 random things about yourself.

 

2. Answer the questions that the nominator sets for you.

 

3. Create 11 questions for the people you nominate.

 

4. Nominate blogs that you love (also with less than 200 followers) & Link them to your post and let them know they have been nominated

 

My good friend Bre nominated me. Her blog is Breezy in Bloom. Check it out!

 

11 Random Facts

1. I love sunflower seeds, especially when I’m studying. My husband must hate it because I look like I’m chewing tobacco all the time.

2. I hate hair off the head. In the sinks, in the shower, in a brush. I can NOT clean out my own brush..totally makes me gag.

3. I love football. I am a die hard Raiders fan…just like my pops.

4. I hate condiments. No ketchup, relish, mustard, mayo. No no no.

5. My favorite movies are Doris Day movies. Nothing can cheer me up like “Pillow Talk”.

6. I had a picket fence, all american, perfect childhood. I am blessed to have amazing parents. I hope I can be that for someone soon.

7. Hawaii is my favorite place. Hubs and I have been every year since we have been together. We WILL move there one day.

8. I’m super anally (<- is that a word?) clean and organized at work. I can drive people crazy. At home… not so much.

9. Each of my dogs have like 10 nicknames. I think they aren’t even sure what their legit name is.

10. When I was a kid I wanted to move to Prince Edward Island because I was super obsessed with “Anne of Green Gables” books.

11. Whales. Favorite. Animal. Ever

 

Bre’s Questions for Me

1. What is your day job?

The better word is night job. I work with sick babies and healthy ones too!

 

2. Have you ever met up with any other bloggers? If so, how was it?

Well the one who nominated me….one of my best friends since high school.

 

3. How many countries have you been to?
I wish it was more. 4 including the beautiful USA.

 

4. What is your dream job?
To run a dog rescue on Hawaii.

 

5. What is your biggest fear?
That’s a toughie because there are a number. Snakes, Elevators, Small Spaces, Airplanes, Heights and losing loved ones both human and furry alike.

 

6. Are you an electronic calendar or an old school hard planner type of person?

I love paper so it was hard for me to make the switch, but now all on the iphone.

 

7. Favorite thing to do to waste time?
Shop online.

 

8. Who was the first person you loved?
Dylan McKay. Hands down. Loved 90210.

 

9. You’re having a burger for dinner – what’s on it?
Swiss, sprouts, fire roasted peppers

10. Are you a Rule follower or a rule breaker?
Rule FOLLOWER. For sure.

11. Where is your favorite place in the world?
Kauai

 

And now for my 11 questions for the nominees…

1.) What is the last thing you do before going to bed?

2.) What’s the farthest place you’ve been from home?

3.) Stay in your hometown for college or go away?

4) Mac or PC?

5) What is your favorite thing to do in the Summer?

6) Are you a dog person or a cat person?
7) How many children do you want?

8) What’s your favorite meal?

9) What is your guilty pleasure?

10) What is your favorite musician?

11) Where in the world would you love to go?

 

And the nominees are…

Childless in Paris

Jessica- Operation: Get in My Belly

Back in the Saddle

Well, I am back. I have taken a much needed break away from pretty much…everything. When I left you last I was getting ready for my ER (egg retrieval). So I went in on Tuesday, January 15th for my ER. By this time, I was bloated and very uncomfortable. I could not wait to have these eggs collected so that I could have some relief. Little did I know, that was just the beginning of the hell I was to endure. I got all dressed up and wheeled to the back. Put my legs up in stir-ups and fell asleep quickly there after. When I woke up I was immediately in pain and begging to go to the bathroom. Oddly enough I really didn’t have to go but was tricked by this intense pressure. They promptly gave me some pain meds and it helped. They told me that they got 41 eggs! Now to those that do not know IVF intimately I am sure you are thinking that is amazing. For those that do, you are all cringing in pain and worry. So I was sent home after a push of Dilaudid.
What happened after that all just kind of ran into one massive occurrence. There was pain…lots of pain. There was bloating…lots of bloating. Bloated to the size of a woman 7 months pregnant. My skin was so tight and it hurt. I was incredibly uncomfortable. I could not walk without help. I could not get into or out of bed without help. Every time I would move, my pain level was at a 10. I really do not want to get into the all the gory details because honestly I do not want to re-live this time in my life. I visited the doctor daily for ultrasounds to check my ovary sizes and the fluid/blood in my uterus. I spent the night in the ER with IV pain meds because the Percocet at home could not handle it. I slept sitting up because I was having shortness of breath from the fluid and was using my inhalers every 4 hours around the clock. I ultimately ended up having the fluid drained from my uterus. They got a half liter of blood out of that go around. My husband missed work to take care of me. My father, mother and good friend T.P. drove me to my doctor appointments that were 45 minutes away. So what happened? I got Severe OHSS (Ovaraian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome).
So what next? Well, the kids were frozen. We ended up with 6 good blastocysts. They were frozen and are waiting for me to get well. They could not transfer any embryos while I was so sick. So now we are transferring them March 5. I’m back at the injections. Was on birth control pill. Now on Lupron and Vivelle Patches. Start my Progesterone injections Feb 25 (groan). We are cautiously excited.
All in all, January was one of the worst months of my life. I will never endure another fresh IVF cycle again. So I need my little frosties to come through for me. Words can not even begin to describe what I went through- but that was the short and sweet. So there- I’m all caught up.

Eggs Anyone?

Did anyone else go on a field trip to a local fish hatchery when they were children? We went in grade school and learned how Salmon made the uphill trek, against the current, to lay their eggs so that the male Salmon could come fertilize them. In a fish hatchery, they help nature out a bit. If we left it to mother nature completely, the Steelhead and Crawdads would eat all the fertlized eggs and then…no salmon babies. Also for a bundle of other reasons, salmon are being preserved. So, the fish are collected, shocked in the water and separated into male and female categories. Then the females are hit over the head and sliced open and out pour their eggs like a bag of marbles. The whole process is a little brutal to watch (especially as children). So if you’re wondering why in the world I am talking Salmon…well I feel like a Salmon.

I have created 31 Salmon eggs..ahem 31 human eggs (really follicles). I feel at the moment that if you sliced me open, out would pour a bunch of eggs like my Salmon sisters. I am completely bloated, with cramping and pressure. It hurts to walk because my eggs are bouncing around in my ovaries and my ovaries are bumping into each other. I’m not making this up…Dr Z told me they are literally bumping into each other as I walk. I honestly don’t know how those Salmon make the uphill climb because I can barely get up to go to the bathroom without pain and discomfort.

All complaining aside, I am ecstatic. Remember that lab value that placed me in the unable to conceive category? Yup, the AMH. Well it is wrong. I always remind patients, family and friends that we in the medical field are pretty spot on and that errors don’t occur that often anymore…especially when it comes to blood mix-ups. However, there is no other explanation Dr. Z can come up. I have eggs and I got plenty of them- screw you AMH!

So what does this all mean? Well it means I am in good shape. On Sunday, my follicles are mature and ready.
                           So quick side note- follicles are filled with fluid and within
                           the fluid is an egg. Sometimes the follicles don’t have eggs
                           in them. So even with 31 follicles (I could have less eggs).
So Sunday night, I took my trigger shot. This contains the human pregnancy hormone, HCG, which starts the ovulation process. On Tuesday morning, Dr. Z will get in there and aspirate all the follicles that hopefully contain eggs. This process is painful and will mean that I will be under anesthesia. Then, the embryologist will count the number of mature eggs and let us know the number. After that she performs ICSI. See this short video- http://youtu.be/vGbIL9QWSsM  On Wednesday, we should get a fertilization report.

All in all, they are knocking me over the head with anesthesia and taking my eggs. Then B is giving his sample and then someone else does the dirty work and my little guys go into an incubator. The only difference, I am not getting killed in the end.

 

Acupuncture Monday

Every Monday is my favorite day of the week. Each week I take a journey to a stress free place for an hour. An inviting place with empty thoughts. The only catch- needles. However, it only looks scary. A small prick, that is almost undetectable, is felt as each “point” is placed. Then she leaves me for 45 minutes on a heated bed. Most days I fall asleep and awake to her opening the door. It results in me feeling rested and rejuvenated. I hope that these sessions will result in a successful first round of IVF for me. For all those fertile people out there, Acupuncture can be helpful for all sorts of things and I highly recommend it.